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Apply those 9 rules of life to become a priority in their life.

February 26, 2024
Ahmadou DIALLO

Throw all those manipulative rules in the garbage. 

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." 

- John Donne

I have often felt like I have never been the priority for others. I am always eager to give them space in my mind and life. 

I feel frustrated that I don’t get back what I put out there. I feel like I am always the victim in those relationships. 

I have been searching for ways to be the priority for my friends, family, and communities. Here are nine tactics I have tried to apply to get back to the center:

1. Create The Fear Of Losing You

2. Avoid Being Always Available

3. Maintain Some Mystery 

4. Allow Them To Invest In You

5. Prioritize Your Needs

6. Don’t Make Them The Center Of Your Life

7. Stop Initiating Communication All The Time

8. Create Your Own Happiness

9. Be Willing To Walk Away

For each tactic, I will share the bright side. Then, I will offer a counter-narrative of why you should not apply it. 

Indeed, there is no one size fits all. Proceed with caution.

1. Create The Fear Of Losing You

You always feel like you are the one giving more. You feel like you are a doormat. Everybody takes you for granted. You become invisible to their eyes.

You are always the one proving your worth. You are the one taking that extra step. You put in more effort and receive a bucket of empty promises.

Don’t always be available. Make yourself hard to reach some days. Make them feel you are not granted, and they will appreciate your presence more.

What you should do instead:

That practice can play on the other person's fear and emotions. They can feel insecure in your presence. 

You should create relations around mutual respect and trust.

From Creating the fear of losing you to Creating an environment of trust and mutual respect.

2. Avoid Being Always Available

Being always available is putting the other person’s needs first. It is like that Tinder date that will never answer your message. You are giving them too much power.

You always clear your agenda for them. They feel entitled to your time and your energy. You are just a means to their end. 

Make sure to set boundaries. Put your needs and wants first. Be your first cheerleader. Don’t give your time for free to grab for anyone passing by.

What you should do instead:

Yes, you are taking time for yourself. Yet you are doing it in reaction to other people’s agenda. They are still holding power over you. You should develop self-reliance and independence. 

From Avoid Being Always Available to Cultivate Self-Reliance And Independence

3. Maintain Some Mystery 

You are that open book. You are that empty window where everyone can see through. You are so predictable that you are boring. 

Nobody cares about what you think or what matters to you. You are just a pedestrian crossing. People walk over you without even noticing.

Keep some secrets to yourself. Yes, being transparent is excellent. Yet you should have your secret garden. No matter how long the relationship is, ensure you always have some genuine mystery to share.

What you should do instead:

Being mysterious requires so much energy to maintain in the long run. You are not perfect. You should come as you are. Vulnerability is the path to authenticity.

From Maintaining Some Mystery to Embracing Authenticity And Transparency

4. Allow Them To Invest In You

If you are always the one doing the heavy lifting, the other will be a spectator. Then, you feel like you are being treated unfairly.

You are always giving and never at the receiving end. You make the plans, and you execute them. You are always doing the chores. 

As you invest in them, allow them to do the same. Let the other invest in you financially and emotionally. That will make them feel more valued, and you will be able to rest.

What you should do instead:

It is not sustainable to always let others invest in you. They can do it or not. You have no power over that. You should be your first VC (Venture Capitalist). Never outsource your happiness or fulfillment to someone or something outside of your control.

From Allowing Them To Invest In You to Seeking Fulfillment And Inner Peace

5. Prioritize Your Needs

You are always putting other people’s needs first. You are burned out. You are not going anywhere in your life. You feel miserable, resentful, and taken advantage of.

You feel like you are trying to fill other people’s buckets. At the same time, they are drilling a hole in your bucket. You are stressed out and exhausted trying to fill a perforated soul.

Embrace prioritizing your wants and needs. Embrace saying “no” by default. Embrace saying less “yes.” Fill your bucket first. Then you can give the extra to others.

What you should do instead:

You should always thongs just because they can benefit you. The driver should do the right thing even if the outcomes might not favor you. 

From Prioritizing Your Needs to Prioritizing Virtuous Purpose And Living

6. Don’t Make Them The Center Of Your Life

You make other people more important in your life. You are so dependent on their approval that you feel worthless. You feel like you are nothing when you are around them.

You feel like you have lost your sense of self. Your inner compass is bokeh and corrupted. You are just a toy to the others, and they are the ones holding your batteries. 

Make sure that you are grounded. Build strong foundations to grow. Be selfish for once: focus on your passion and what interests you. Ensure that you are planting the seeds for healthy relationships.

What you should do instead:

You are not a tree on its own on a lost planet. You are part of a forest. Bonding with other trees makes you grow healthier and more balanced. 

Bonding with others can make you stronger and help you thrive as a human.

From Not Making Them The Center Of Your Life to Maintaining A Fulfilling And Balanced Life

7. Stop Initiating Communication All The Time

You are always the one making the first step, sending the first SMS, first calling. You feel like other people are complacent and take you for granted.

S: You feel unvalued. You are the one holding the stage for the conversation. It weighs on your shoulders. You are tired and overwhelmed. You are empty inside.

S: Let other people know that the stage can be theirs also. Lead from behind. Show them and teach them that their input is valuable to your relationship. 

What you should do instead:

While you cannot always be the one doing the first step, sometimes you can do it in your best interest. It is not a black-or-white dilemma. It is more striking a balance between leading the dance and letting the other lead.

From Stopping Initiating Communication All The Time to Avoiding Obsession And Neediness

8. Create Your Own Happiness

You feel entitled to happiness. Everyone and everything in your universe should bring you happiness. That is a lot of pressure to put on you and other people.

You are chasing happiness like someone trying to catch a rainbow. You feel like your happiness is rooted in the hands of the rest of the universe. You fall into the abyss of sadness whenever you fail to find happiness.

Take responsibility for your own happiness. Never outsource it to anyone or attach it to any condition outside your control. Be there for others, but be there for you first.

What you should do instead:

It is not that you need others to be happy. Yes, you have to plant the seed for joy and happiness. Yet you are part of communities. You cannot withdraw yourself from your environment. It is neither realistic nor healthy.

From Creating Your Own Happiness to Cultivating Inner Contentment And Happiness

9. Be Willing To Walk Away

You have given it your all. You have tried anything you can to make that relationship successful. You are not getting the expected outcomes from where you are sitting.

You feel like you're losing yourself in that relationship. You feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.  You are waging a constant battle to push those forces away.

Be willing to walk away if you feel there is nothing more you can do. That is totally fine and preferable. Maybe it is the universe forcing you to move on. Maybe there is something better than holding on to those golden claws. 

What you should do instead:

You should not always walk away from any challenging relationship. Sometimes, it is an opportunity to face the challenge and grow into a better version of yourself. Adversity is not always the enemy. 

From Being Willing To Walk Away to Prioritizing Personal Growth and Well-Being

Final Thoughts

I have felt left out by many. I have battled with being in the center of my worldview while being on the periphery of others.

I have felt like I have been mistreated. I have felt anger and resentment. I have felt like I am being taken advantage of.

I have found and applied the following rules below to be a priority in other people’s lives:

1. Create The Fear Of Losing You

2. Avoid Being Always Available

3. Maintain Some Mystery 

4. Allow Them To Invest In You

5. Prioritize Your Needs

6. Don’t Make Them The Center Of Your Life

7. Stop Initiating Communication All The Time

8. Create Your Own Happiness

9. Be Willing To Walk Away

However, those are not copy-and-paste solutions for every situation in life. It is all about finding the middle way. 

What you should do instead:

Here are healthy and reasonable alternatives:

1. Create An Environment Of  Mutual Respect And Trust

2. Cultivate Self-Reliance And Independence

3. Embrace Authenticity And Transparency

4. Seek Fulfillment And Inner Peace

5. Prioritize Virtuous Purpose And Living

6. Maintain A Fulfilling And Balanced Life

7. Avoid Obsession And Neediness

8. Cultivate Inner Contentment And Happiness

9. Prioritize Personal Growth and Well-Being

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#BIOS #BringInyourOwnSoul #LeadHeartship #Leadership 

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Photo by Rishabh Dharmani on Unsplash

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